In your Dreams, part 1 of 2
by gekkeiju
Summary: The Exile confronts Atton about his shady past, with unexpected results.


I'll never know how he managed it. It certainly obliged a new grudging respect. I had been sitting in the cockpit for over two hours, and was ready to scream with boredom.  
_Maybe it's a little more interesting when you're actually** flying** the ship_. I suppressed a snort. _Fat chance. It's not like there's a big variation on the scenery._ All I could figure was that maybe you're so focused on the lights and buttons and other do-dads that you don't have time to remember how excruciatingly tedious the cockpit could be. 

I let out a long sigh of frustration. It was late, and I was exhausted, and not exactly anticipating the scene I knew was coming. _You wanted it to come out. Don't pretend you aren't relieved_.

I sighed again, and closed my eyes. Reliving, for the umpteenth time, the events of a few hours ago.  
It had always been there, always lurking beneath that indifferent façade of his. I knew that. Still, the power, the sheer venom behind his anger had startled me. It was so sudden and violent, his revelation. I was struggling to wrap my mind around it, to even comprehend it. The idea that he could have done such things, done them and enjoyed them…

I wasn't angry with him. Hurt, certainly, but not really mad. Hurt that he'd felt like he couldn't be honest with me.

I felt myself growing sour. I was sick of this little room, sick of waiting, sick of trying to make sense of everything in the damn Universe. Glancing at the timepiece, I realized it was even later than I thought.

_Whatever_…

I rose, stretched, and started down the hallway._ I'm too old for this; why can't he just be an adult?_ I froze when I heard clanging footsteps on the loading ramp. He was singing, if you could call it that. He didn't seem to know most of the words, and he stopped for good when he tripped over something and swore loudly. I shrank back into the cockpit, and settled quickly into the pilot's chair. It was nearly invisible from the hallway, and I hoped it would subtly remind him that I was the one in control here.

He stumbled down the hall, the stench of Juma preceding him. He stood in the doorway for a moment, wondering if I had noticed him and debating whether or not he could make a run for it. I was glad I was facing away, or he would surely have noticed my grin. _Drunks are hilarious_. After some hesitation he flopped down into the co-pilot's seat, scowling. Minutes ticked by in the tense silence.

_Say something, Bantha-brain. I hope he's not waiting for me to speak first. What was I supposed to say? Dammit, this isn't the way it was supposed to go!_

I had planned for a calm discussion between two civilized adults. Us being us, it was doomed from the beginning. The silence stretched on unbearably.

_Aw, flarg, this is ridiculous…Maybe we just need to sleep on it?_

I rose to leave, and made it to the door before I heard a dry chuckle. "I win."  
I turned halfway towards him, going violently rigid. "What…what did you say?" It was barely controlled.

"I said 'I win.' You're running away." His eyes glittered darkly, and his lips were twisted in a triumphant smirk.

I felt the color rise in my cheeks, and my fists were clenched so tight they hurt. _There is no emotion, there is peace…_

"So, why are you here, anyway? What did you hope to accomplish? Were you going to try to be rational; ease my pain with some Jedi garbage?"

_So much fury! At me? But why?_ "Or maybe you just wanted to tell me that you forgive me, that it's all in the past and we all make mistakes and we all can go back to the light and be prissy little keepers of the peace!"

Something in my face betrayed me.

"That's it, isn't it? You came to tell me that you forgive me. That's the arrogance I'm talking about! I never asked for your forgiveness, and I don't want it!" He was almost yelling now.

I turned fully and looked him hard in the eye. "Oh, but you do."

That shut him up.

"Atton, you do. You want to tell me and you want me to absolve you. We both know that."

I wasn't using a mind trick or a persuade; I was just stating a fact. The desire to be released from his burden was palpable. He wanted to let it all out, to feel free. My original plan could have been salvaged then; he was momentarily stunned, and I could have played it all out to be a sweet healing moment. No. I was furious, and I was never known for taking the high road.

I smiled thinly. "That's not why I'm here, at least not exactly."

His eyes narrowed slightly.

"I came to see if there were anymore secrets between us, but only because I don't want your past…** indiscretions** endangering anyone else on this crew."

My voice had all the pleasantness of a vibroblade twisting in his gut. "So, now is the time. I'd rather hear it from you than from strangers. Is there anything else that you want to tell me?"

He growled. "No, because you're **asking**. If I **wanted** to tell you, I would. Why don't you just use some of that Jedi witchcraft and drag it out of me?"

I'd had it. "What the hell is your problem! What did I ever do to you! What did the Jedi ever do! And don't give me that hypocrisy line again, because I don't buy it! There's something deeper, something personal, and I want to know what!"

He shot out of the chair, and I tensed reflexively. He noticed it and halted. We just stared at each other for a moment, and then he spoke so low I barely heard him.

"Fine. I'll tell you. Then maybe you'll understand."

He told me about the woman, the Jedi. How she'd come to him, to try and save him. She had, in a way. She said she knew him, knew what he was and what he could be. If she knew, that meant the Sith could, as well. She told him about what Revan was doing, how she was breaking the Jedi. He didn't want to face it. So he killed her. She had let him destroy her in order to show him the Force; had let him kill her to show him all of the life around him. She'd made a whopping sacrifice to keep a murderer's secret. It had been enough. 

He looked for the entire galaxy like a little boy in that moment. Something softened in me, but I was still so furious. _At what?_

Furious that I had been lied to. Furious that he hadn't trusted me. Furious that I even wanted him to trust me. That Kreia had been right. That I had allowed him the satisfaction of getting to me. That, try as I might, I wasn't able to be the Jedi I was supposed to be and let it all go.

"Well…that explains that, I guess." There was no kindness in my voice, no comfort.

He looked confused.

"What did you expect? That I would just smile and nod, and everything would be A-OK? Well, it's not! You told a Jedi about how you killed Jedi! That you liked it! How do I know you won't turn on me?"

I knew then that I wanted a fight. Not anything too dangerous, just a good bruising to release some of this tension. He needed it, too.

"Alia, you know I would never do anything to-"

I cut him off. "Do I? Why would I know that? How can I believe anything you say anymore?"

"Stop it, Alia!"

"Or what? You might torture me and kill me?"

"**Stop** it, Alia!"

"Why don't you make me, Atton." I laughed derisively. "Atton. If that's even your real name-" 

I had wanted it, and I got it.

He lunged at me, striking deftly towards my ribs. I blocked it and aimed a blow to his stomach. It was deflected, as was another one aimed at his throat. He caught me just over my left eye, and it instantly swelled. We squared off, and he swept low, catching my shins. I sent a chop to his knee as I stumbled, heard it crack. He didn't so much as blink. Regaining balance, I moved to his side and drove both fists into his kidneys. He crashed down, and in my eagerness I left myself open. His foot connected cleanly with my mid-section, my breath whooshing out of me. I dodged into the Security room, gasping. He was right behind me, slamming the door. We circled, looking for a weak spot. I landed a kick to his ribs. Darting in, he got a blow to my jaw. I faked a knee to his groin, and he instinctively bent low to protect. I caught him with an elbow to the chin; he set me back with a clap to the ears that had them ringing. I staggered and struck blindly, and he easily grabbed my wrist. His other hand shot around my neck and I was slammed so hard against the wall that my teeth rattled. We were panting, sweating, and sore as hell. 

"Hmmm…this looks familiar, huh?" _When will you ever learn to shut up?_

He leaned forward, and I tensed, half expecting him to snap my neck.

Instead, he grinned like a predator, and kissed me savagely


End file.
